Why I Stopped Expecting Gifts from My Husband on Special Occasions (And What I Do Instead)

Wifehood

Jan 16

When you have a traditional marriage, life feels so much simpler and more grounded.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard wives complaining about their husbands not buying them the “perfect” gift—whether it wasn’t big enough, nice enough, or on time for their birthday, anniversary, or some other occasion. For many married women, the idea that “if he buys me gifts, it means he loves me” is deeply ingrained. But when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, this mindset is really missing the point.

Why I Stopped Expecting Gifts From My Husband

Just last week, my husband spent nearly $900 to fix my car—new front and back brakes, rotors, and some other random part I don’t even know the purpose of! A few months ago, he bought me new tires and regularly fills up the gas tank so I can go wherever I need to. Now, many women might shrug and say, “Well, that’s his duty!”

But let’s really think about that. In Islam, a husband is required to provide for his wife and children within his means. That doesn’t mean he’s obligated to give you the fanciest car, the newest equipment, or to fill up your gas tank for every trip you want to take. Those extra gestures? They’re not mandatory—they’re acts of love and care.

The problem is, many wives don’t understand the difference between what’s truly a necessity and what’s simply a luxury.

We’ve become so accustomed to a culture of excess that we start believing our husbands are required to provide whatever we think is necessary to make us happy. But that’s just not true. It’s one of the common issues I mentor wives on: the difference between a need and a want.

When I look at my husband, I see someone who’s constantly paying for things—big and small—that make my life easier. Unless you’re dealing with the rare stingy husband (and let’s be real, most men aren’t), you’ll likely notice the same if you pause and take stock. Those “gifts” are everywhere—you just have to open your eyes and appreciate them!

Some Gifts We Take For Granted From Our Husband

Entertainment and Leisure

Streaming subscriptions (Netflix, Disney+, etc.)
Movie tickets and concessions
Theme park tickets
Concerts, shows, or sports events
Dining out at restaurants or fast-food outlets
Takeaway coffee or specialty drinks

Hobbies and Recreation

Gym memberships or fitness classes
Craft or hobby supplies
Board games or video games
Sports equipment for leisure, not essential fitness
Photography gear

Technology and Gadgets

Upgrading to the latest smartphones or tablets
High-end gaming systems
Premium home entertainment systems
Smart home devices like Alexa, Google Home
Multiple TVs or computers

Home Decor and Upgrades

Designer or fancy furnishings
Aesthetic, seasonal or holiday decorations
Non-essential home and kitchen gadgets (e.g., waffle makers, air fryers)
Landscaping for aesthetic or hobby purposes

Fashion and Beauty

Designer or branded clothing and accessories
Jewelry in all aspects
High-end skincare or makeup products
Frequent salon visits for hair styling, nails, or facials

Travel and Experiences

Vacations to luxury destinations
Weekend getaways for leisure
Cruises or international trips or visiting family often
Hotel stays for convenience rather than necessity

Children’s Wants

Branded toys or collectibles
Extracurricular activities that are purely recreational
Trendy clothing or accessories
High-end strollers or nursery furniture

Food and Grocery Extras

Premium brands or organic-only products
Specialty snacks or imported treats
Gourmet foods or luxury cooking ingredients

Miscellaneous Luxuries

Subscription boxes (beauty, snacks, books, etc.)
Fancy stationery or organizers
Frequent upgrades for vehicles
Non-essential apps or digital services
Memberships for clubs or societies

These are just the luxuries! I didn’t even list the necessities that are are high end. Also, my article is aimed at people in developed countries.

What I Do Instead When I Want a Gift From My Husband

I’m not saying you should never ask your husband to buy you gifts. What I’m saying is this: don’t expect gifts from your husband and then equate his failure to get you the perfect present on a special occasion with him loving you any less.

Men and women often think very differently, especially when it comes to gestures of love. Men tend to look at the bigger picture, while women often focus on the finer details. A great example of this is something I once read in one of Dr. John Gray’s books about the differences in how men and women communicate.

It explained that if a man gives a woman a dozen roses, he sees it as a grand gesture worth 12 points. But the woman? She sees it as one point. On the other hand, if the man gives her one rose a day for 12 days, she’ll view it as 12 points.

Subhanallah, this perfectly illustrates the beautiful differences between the genders—if we just learn to understand and embrace them!

This is why I always encourage wives to listen to podcasts, read articles and books that help explain these dynamics by Dr. John Gray, Suzanne Venker, Bill and Pam Farrell, Laura Doyle, and Dixie Andelin Forsyth.

How I Ask for Gifts (The Smart Way)

Nowadays, I’ve become a wiser wife. When I want a gift, I ask for it outright, but I do it thoughtfully. Of course, I make sure I’m treating my husband well and that I’ve done my part to deserve it. Marriage is a balance of give and take, not just take, take, take.

I consider his financial situation first. If things are stable and it’s not a stressful time, I express my desire for something specific, like a new perfume (and I let him choose the scent since he’ll be the one smelling it), a tech upgrade (I’m a bit of a gadget nerd), or a unique piece of jewelry that’s more meaningful than expensive.

I make my request clear, without whining, bargaining, or manipulation. I explain why I’d love the gift and express how it would make me happy. And honestly, most husbands find it tough to say no when you approach them this way.

However if he does say no, I accept his decision gracefully. A simple response like, “No worries, honey. I understand,” goes a long way. In my experience, there’s usually a very good reason for a man to deny the woman he loves anything. Sometimes it’s from financial strain, he’s feeling disrespected and unappreciated, or he’s just being asked at the wrong time.

Timing Is Everything

Be smart about when you make your request. Don’t bring it up when he’s tired, stressed, or busy. And after you’ve asked, let it go. Trust that if he can fulfill your request, he will—but on his own time. It might take a day, a week, or even months if it’s something big.

If you think he’s forgotten, it’s okay to gently remind him—but whatever you do, please oh please do not nag! Nagging drives men away and undermines the beauty of your relationship.

It’s important for your husband to know that the gift is something you’d love to receive but that your love for him isn’t tied to material things. As adult women, not spoiled children, we should acknowledge that gifts are a privilege and not owed to us. It is not a requirement for your husband to express his love by buying you stuff.

And yes, giving gifts is a Sunnah act, but don’t overlook the “gifts” your husband gives you every single day—ones that aren’t wrapped up with a pretty bow.

Be Weary of the Feminists

Now, I know some feminists might scoff at this advice of how to ask your husband for a gift and dismiss it as ridiculous. But honestly, feminists are some of the most misguided people out there. They’ve bought into the idea of entitlement—wanting what they want, when they want it, with no patience or effort to be a good human being, let alone a good wife.

I don’t take feminists seriously because, let’s be real, when you look closely at their lives, many of them are miserable, angry, and lacking the fulfilling relationships they claim to champion. So let’s set their opinions aside and focus on what truly works for us as Muslim wives, okay?

Tip the author

Salam, I’m Zakeeya!

I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.